


lost the battle, lost the war

by silverhedges



Series: i spend all my time in puddles. i miss the ocean. [2]
Category: Gintama
Genre: 'Gintoki leaves the war' fic, Goodbyes, M/M, Promises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 04:46:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14324889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverhedges/pseuds/silverhedges
Summary: Gintoki walks away. Takasugi stays right where he is.





	lost the battle, lost the war

The snapping of twigs beneath his feet is not an intentional move to make Gintoki aware of his presence. It is his own mistake. Half of his world has gone dark and he’s making mistakes he only made as a _toddler_. Takasugi keeps on futilely trying to open his left eye; he supposes that eventually his body will realise that eye will never see again.

Every time his eye hurts, he is reminded of that sight: that face, that back, that body.

It is the same back he’s looking at now. Still covered in black blood the idiot hasn’t even tried to wash off. The same back he’s protected countless times. The same back he’s watched leap in front of him to protect him. The same back running out in front, taking on all their suicide missions and always returning alive.

Or maybe not. The man in front of him looks the same but is a total stranger. If Gintoki had been replaced by a Naraku clone, that would have been easier to swallow that admitting what happened was Gintoki’s choice. When did the war start to change him? Or was he always like this, a heartless demon?

“You’re leaving.”

Statement of fact.

A long pause, and then, “Yeah. I’m going.”

Those are the first words Gintoki has spoken since it happened. Takasugi can’t see his face.

His chest hurts. The world has turned upside fucking down. Sakamoto, yes, they all knew he would leave eventually – everyone knew he was meant for more than blood and death. Katsura, Takasugi and Gintoki? They were connected. The three students of Shouyou. Bonds like these were unbreakable and forever.

So he thought.

Now they stand here, in this autumn glade and already a distance has opened up between them. Once he would have reached out and punched Gintoki and demanded to know what the hell he’s doing. Now he can’t. Takasugi knows now that if Gintoki thought it would save Zura, or anyone, he would cut Takasugi’s neck like ribbons.

_My best friend is a heartless monster. My best friend could kill the person he loved the most. My best friend promised me he would protect him and he killed him in cold blood._

“Don’t go.”

At the end of it all, Gintoki is still like how Shouyou described him to Takasugi all those years ago. ‘There’s something about that boy. He picks you up and takes you with him. Don’t you want to follow him and see what happens to you?’

His eye hurts.

“There’s nowhere for you to go. What the hell are you gonna do? Get caught by the government?”

The words hang in the air. Takasugi says them without thinking but now it dawns on him. Where is Gintoki going to go? What is he going to do? Will he take care of himself? Something sharp pierces his chest. What if Gintoki’s just crawling off to die somewhere? He’s choking.

“Were you really just going to leave without saying _goodbye_?”

That is the crux of this, the most painful aspect. Gintoki has been the most vital part of his and Zura’s life for eight years and he’s just going to walk out the door and leave them? Did they mean anything at all to him?

It was Zura who noticed Gintoki had disappeared from their makeshift tent. It was Zura who told Takasugi to go after him, who turned away and said, ‘There’s no need for goodbyes between comrades.’ Takasugi doesn’t understand. Once a person is gone, they’re _gone_.

Gintoki’s shoulders slump. “The war’s over, Takasugi. We lost.”

Takasugi doesn’t fucking care about that, because it was never the war for him, it was never about winning back the country. It was about rescuing Shouyou, about being by Shouyou’s side and he thought Gintoki _understood_ that. Without Shouyou, Takasugi is nothing. Without Shouyou, he doesn’t have anything to do. Without Gintoki, what else does he have to lose?

At the end of it, Takasugi truly is one of those samurai who fall apart without their leader.

“We all lost together, you bastard,” he says, but softly. “Are you gonna make us lose you too?”

Gintoki remains still. Then, quicker than Takasugi can see, he removes the sheathed sword from his waist and throws it carelessly over his shoulder at Takasugi. Takasugi doesn’t manage to catch it; it clatters to the ground at his feet. When he bends to pick it up, he sees Gintoki’s eyes looking at him, for just a moment.

They both understand what this means.

Takasugi can no longer fight. Gintoki has given the fight up.

“I’m sick of killing people. My entire life, that’s all I’ve known how to do. I wanna…” Gintoki looks up and the weak autumn sunlight is reflecting in his hair, “I wanna find somewhere I can rest.”

Takasugi holds out the sword, incredulous. “This is your _soul_. And you’re giving it up…?”

For the first time, Gintoki looks back at him properly.

There is a weak smile on his mouth. His rust-red eyes are sad.

Takasugi’s heart jolts. Four years ago, Takasugi had been sitting with Shouyou when the screaming and smoke had started. Shouyou had risen to his feet and he had smiled at Takasugi just like that.

“Demons don’t have souls, Takasugi. And that’s all I am. I’m a demon who kills everyone around me. Friend, foe, it doesn’t matter. If I stay here, Takasugi… I’ll end up killing you and Zura too.”

Takasugi says nothing. Maybe Gintoki had always been like this. Maybe Zura and him had just deluded themselves into thinking that Gintoki was a human like them, because he ate sweets and read JUMP and lusted after girls. Maybe Gintoki has always been what Shouyou referred to him as: ‘my baby demon.’

Now the demon’s all grown up and he knows how to break hearts as well as bodies.

Gintoki takes a step, then another, then another. Silently, of course. The man is a killer. Gintoki can throw away his sword, but he can’t throw away all the blood on his hands or the deaths he has caused. He has one skillset and it is how to hurt people.

“Promise me, Gintoki.”

Gintoki stops. Takasugi has no reason to think Gintoki would fulfil any promise. He broke the most important promise Takasugi ever made to him. _If I die, take care of Sensei…_ Takasugi never thought Shouyou would die before him.

Thinking on that: _Don’t die_.

Sorry, Gintoki. Takasugi will break that promise too.

“I’m going to kill you. So, don’t you dare die to anyone else.”

Of course, he has to kill him. Either Gintoki is human or a demon. If he’s human, Takasugi has to kill him to know his pain, to know what it feels like to kill someone you love. If he’s a demon, Takasugi has to kill him as revenge for killing the person Takasugi loved.

Gintoki looks back at him and smiles. Takasugi knows then that Gintoki is going to do his best to break that promise. He’s going off to die, he understands now, in perfect clarity.

“Goodbye, Shinsuke.”

Takasugi’s chest aches with pain. He’s missing Gintoki even as he leaves. He stands there for a long time, watching that white hair as he walks among the trees, until Gintoki finally disappears.

**Author's Note:**

> Gintoki and Takasugi have been killing me in the manga recently...
> 
> What I love most about Takasugi is what a mess of human contradictions he is, particularly towards Gintoki. What I love about Gintoki (everything) is how you can really see his bad habits traced back to his childhood/teenage years. He really does love to make himself the villain while saving everyone. 
> 
> Apologies for the lack of Zura: what I wanted to express is that when you really have a strong bond with someone, there's no need for goodbyes because you both know: 1) you will meet again, and 2) the friendship will still be the same, no matter how much time passes. It's a different case with Gintoki and Takasugi - I wanted to get across how they both think the other has changed dramatically, while really they've all stayed the same. But when it comes to pain, Gintoki chooses to move on while Takasugi clings to his pain.
> 
> Working on a larger fic about Gintoki, Shouyou and everyone's misconceptions of Gintoki. Hit that subscribe button to stay updated, ya.


End file.
